Are You Kidding Me?

Good evening, ladies and germs! Wow, I just put sunless tanner all over my body, and BOY are my arms tired!

No, seriously. I put sunless tanner on this morning, and now I'm doing well to hold my water bottle to my mouth without wearing most of the contents. My arms are as shaky as if I'd done a hundred push-ups. Well, let me rephrase that: my arms are as shaky as I would imagine them to be if I'd done a hundred push-ups. We all know I've never done a hundred push-ups...so you can stop laughing at the idea of it (Mom and Thomas). Thanks.

Am I really in that bad of shape? I mean, my arms are actually sore from applying the lotion to the skin. That's ridiculous. Granted, I've never been the kind of girl who could do chin-ups or bench press, well, anything. In high school, I joined the band to get out of P.E. Of course, I joined the color guard, so I twirled flags and danced and ran all over the place, so it kind of defeated the purpose, but still...it's the principle. Anyway, I've danced for most of my life--professionally, for a spell--and still have the calves and thighs to prove it. So, while I've never been athletically inclined, I've always thought I was "in shape". Not supermodel bikini shape, but certainly not embarrasingly weak and wimpy.

Apparently, I was wrong.

I have been bested by a bottle of bronzer. That's pathetic.

Maybe it's because I'm only a couple of months away from my 33rd birthday, and my baby brother (whom I'm old enough to have birthed, myself) is in high school and learning how to drive, but this is really depressing me. I truly thought I was healthy. Sure, I'm a few pounds heavier than I'd like to be (aren't we all?), but I'm in the middle of my target weight for my height. I ate a salad for lunch. I had a smoothie for a snack. Am I just getting old? When my Mom was my age, I was eight--that's sobering. True, I dye away the "sparkle" in my hairline, and I use an eye cream and anti-aging treatment, but that doesn't make me old? Does it? I'm buying a house and working with a mortgage lender and figuring out insurance and all sorts of other grown-up-y things, but that doesn't make me old? Right?

I am not old. I will not be old. I might gain years, chronologically speaking (it sure beats the alternative), but I will not be old. My aunt is 87 years old (and shall remain nameless, because she'd kill me for letting that out) and is still completely independent, dresses stylishly, and is sharp as a tack. She's not old, so, neither am I.

I might do more grown-up-y things, like have a kid, or open an IRA (neither happening anytime soon), but that does not make me old.

I might have to start coloring my hair more often to cover up the ever-increasing "sparkle", but that does not make me old.

I might get winded putting on body lotion, or have to stop on the third or fourth flight of stairs, but that does not make me old.

I'm not old until I say so, and you can't make me. Nana nana boo boo!

By the way, the tan looks good.

Plus, I got carded today buying a pack of wine coolers at the grocery store. Probably because I was wearing sweatpants, a Doctor Who shirt, and no makeup.

I guess I'm not over the hill just yet.

The Ballad of the Third-Life Crisis: Olay Total Effects 7 Cleansing Cloth Review

Photo Credit: Drugstore.com

You know how I said, last week, that I was switching to Olay Total Effects 7 Cleansing Cloths? Yeah...well, forget about that. I'm going back to my beloved Neutrogena, and apologizing for ever doubting it.

Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up: They kinda suck.

My skin, here lately, has been looking a little rough. I have moisturized. I have exfoliated. I have used retinol and vitamin C, and pretty much any other sh--um, crud you could think of. In retrospect, it's probably just this diet I've been on, and the fact that I have lost some weight in my face (yay!), coupled with gas heat and Winter dryness. However, at the time I noticed my skin's dullness, I was in the throws of, well, what you might call a "third-life crisis". I'll be 32 in a few months, my baby brother starts high school in the Fall, and what have I done with my life? (Actually, way more than I've had any right to, and I'm grateful for all of it. Unfortunately, in the midst of a third-life crisis, temporary amnesia sets in. Who knew?) Why, I'm gonna be forty! Someday! Yes, I was being completely stupid, but at the time, all I could think was, "I'm so old! I must have anti-aging products...STAT!"

So, out with the Neutrogena wipes, in with the Olay.

The first night I used the Olay, I had barely any makeup on. I'd done an at-home facial, and wanted to let my skin breathe, so I used a light mineral foundation and not much else. When I looked down at the used wipe, there wasn't much in the way of removed makeup on it, but why would there be? I slathered on some moisturizer and eye cream and went to bed.

The next morning, my skin looked gorgeous. Everything was even and glowing, and I looked like I was wearing makeup! I just brushed on a little mineral foundation and hopped out the door. These wipes were the bomb!

That night, I noticed two sides to the Olay wipe. One side was smooth, for removing makeup, and the other was textured for a deeper clean and mild exfoliation. Could these wipes get any better?! Again, there wasn't much on the used cloth, but I'd only worn a little makeup. There wasn't much to remove to begin with, and my skin looked utterly amazing...

...until the next morning, when I noticed some teeny tiny breakouts. Well, they were probably from the facial. That's to be expected when you draw out the bad stuff, right? I had to sing a couple of weddings that day, so I used a heavier foundation for extra camouflage. The thing was, that night, when I used the Olay wipe, I noticed that there still wasn't much on the wipe--not even on the textured side. Oh, Dear God...

That's when I realized that my skin hadn't been glowing from the anti-aging benefits of the cleansing cloths. Nope. I looked like I was wearing makeup because I was wearing makeup! By this time, the eensy-weensy breakouts were looking more and more like full-on blackheads and cystic acne. Not to gross you out, but my cheek had a blackhead so large and dark that it looked like I'd drawn it on with a felt-tip pen. I quickly grabbed a Neutrogena wipe and ran it over my face. To my horror, it became completely coated in makeup. Holy Hand Grenade, Batman!

The good news is that I figured out the problem quickly, and through thorough cleansing, exfoliation, and some awesome salicylic acid, my skin has almost completely recovered. Luckily, I only used the cloths at night, and scrubbed my face with a "real" face wash and brush during my morning showers. Otherwise, who knows how much damage would have been done.

Final Verdict: 0 out of 10. Don't even use these to clean your countertops.