And Now, a Few Words From Prof. Higgins and Col. Pickering

I had a commercial audition earlier this week. As of right now, I haven't heard anything on it, but it went well, so if I don't get it, I won't blame myself. It will just be because they needed someone taller/shorter, blonder/darker, thinner/heavier, or, possibly, male. You never know, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

That, however, is not what this post is about. See, I had very little notice for this audition, which left me in a bit of a panic. I mean, I try to keep myself up--and I think I do pretty good job of it, too--but it seems like the only times I get called in for interviews, photo shoots, or auditions are the times when I'm inbetween hair colorings, desperately need a tan (so I don't glow in the dark), and have a zit the size of East Texas somewhere prominent on my face. Oh, and I'm extra bloated. I can't forget that. Can't have an audition unless I'm feeling super-duper super-sized. It's not allowed.

At first, I moaned for a while about choosing such a superficial profession, but the thing is, once I thought about it, I realized that we all go through this stuff. Maybe it's not an audition; maybe it's a corporate function you didn't plan to attend. Maybe it's a date with that someone you've been crushing on for...well, ever. Maybe you just got up one morning, looked in the mirror, and thought, "Good morning, Corpse Bride. I am totally worth more than this..." Whatever the reason, I thought I'd share some of the products I keep around for quick fixes on a tight budget*. At the end, I'll list everything discussed, with links.

Tell-Tale Roots and Grays
I can't stress enough the importance of having a trustworthy, professional colorist. That said, sometimes schedules, finances, and good old procrastination get in the way of making that hair appointment, and we have to make do as best we can. I keep a box of L'Oreal Root Rescue in my bathroom for emergencies. That way, if something important comes up and there is absolutely no way of getting to the salon, I can do a quick touch-up without adding hours to my prep time...and then I call Miss Jessica for a real coloring!

Puffy Eyes
I know our moms all told us to lay cucumbers over our eyes to get rid of puffiness, but who has time for that? My go-to for puffy eyes is the Ganier Nutrioniste Eye Roller. The metal ball cools while the caffeine-infused liquid de-puffs your under-eye baggage. One will run you less than $15 and last several months. Have a couple of days notice? Pat on a good eye cream before you go to bed (which we should all be doing anyway, and I am appalled that any of you could think that I would go even one night--yeah, I can't get through that sentence. I'm HORRIBLE about remembering). I'd recommend mine, but it's discontinued, and would have been insanely expensive had I not found it for $6 on sale. Instead, try Biore SkinPreservation See the Future Eye Cream. It's $13.99 at drugstore.com, and while I haven't personally tested this, it's gotten fantastic reviews.

Coffee-Drinker Teeth
Now, I know there are a bajillion whitening systems out there, with some only taking a couple of hours for full effect. Unfortunately, they are freaking expensive, and, quite frankly, I can't afford to keep something like that in my cabinet "just in case". Instead, I keep Colgate Optic White, an exceptionally good whitening toothpaste, and a whitening mouth rinse. They may not work as quickly, but I noticed an improvement right away, and better results with continued use. Got something special going on? Brush and rinse in the morning and after each meal, with one more good scrubbing right before you walk out the door. Best of all, the two together will only cost about ten dollars.

Dry, Flaky Skin
The last thing you want to do right before an event is a facial because they can cause breakouts. So, how are you supposed to exfoliate and moisturize? Um...by exfoliating and moisturizing, simple as that. When you wash your face, use either a facial scrub brush (like this one from Sephora. It's $18, but less expensive ones are also available), or you can carefully scrub with a coarse washcloth. I like to use circular motions, alternating directions. After washing, slather on a gentle moisturizer, like Philosophy Hope In a Jar, which is only $15 for a travel size.

Pimples and Blemishes and Zits, Oh, My!
So, you're already broken out. Welcome to my world. Above all, do not pick at your face! First, apply a towel-wrapped ice cube to the affected area to help bring down redness and swelling. Next, dab on a spot treatment (available at most drugstores for about $5). Once that dries, you can continue with your usual makeup routine, adding concealer to that area. Oh, you already popped it? Yeah, I probably would have, too. In that case, I hope you have overnight to deal with it. Use a drying paste formulated for popped pimples. Again, it'll run about five bucks. Now, don't do that again!

Puffy...Everything...
On short notice, there are a few little things you can do to de-puff. First of all, can the soft drinks and super salty foods for a day and drink as much water as you can stand. This will help flush out your system. Secondly (and, boy, does this sound ridiculous), before you get dressed, do as many crunches as you can without breaking a sweat. That's probably 20-50. Believe it or not, just that little bit will make your abs temporarily appear more toned. Not enough? Might I suggest a fun, effective shaper?

Snow White Legs
If you're day-glo, like me, and find yourself in the position of having to show off your legs with zero notice, you might want to try a quick-drying airbrush tanner. If you have a day or so to get ready, a tinted self-tanner might be more up your alley. In either case, make sure you shave and moisturize beforehand. An easy way to keep down streaks is to apply moisturizer to each section immediately before applying the tanner. If you're only doing your legs, keep the application light, so it just knocks the chill off of your skin, and wash your hands thoroughly after.

Five Minute Manicure
One of the easiest ways to look polished and put-together is a manicure. Now, I know I don't have the time or extra cash for a pro mani-pedi at the salon, but I can usually find about five minutes to file and slap on a coat of paint. Sally Hansen may not be my favorite line, but they have a fantastic collection of quick-dry, one coat polishes. Try one in a pale neutral to look effortlessly chic (and camoflauge any chips!), in about five minutes. Back when we filmed The Night Shift, I used Rapid Red, and could refresh my manicure standing up, oustide, balancing on my car door, and be ready to roll camera within minutes. A-mazing.

Droopy Locks
This is probably the easiest fix of all. When you wash your hair, make your final rinse a cold water rinse. It seals the cuticle and cuts down on frizz. Do the same thing when you blow dry--finish by blasting your hair with cool air, in a downward motion. If you're dealing with dull or lifeless hair, try adding a volumizing mousse to towel-dried hair before blow drying, then spritzing with a shine-enhancing finishing spray (this Bumble & Bumble is a little pricey at $26, but it will last a very long time, since you have to use it sparingly).

Alright, here's the list of direct links to my personal recommendations, but you could definitely use your own finds. Heck, if you find something that works really well, send it to me and I'll happily share it with the rest of the class!

The Bare Necessities
Root Touch-Up
Eye Roller
Eye Cream
Whitening Toothpaste
Whitening Mouth Rinse
Facial Brush or Coarse Washcloth
Moisturizer
Acne Spot Treatment
Popped Pimple Drying Paste
Shapewear
Airbrush Tanner or Self Tanner
Quick-Dry, Neutral Nail Polish
Volumizing Mousse
Shine Spray

*Disclaimer: I am not an esthetician, cosmetologist, or in any way qualified to give expert advice. These are tricks and products that I, a normal, average person, use myself on a regular basis, with positive results.

The Cause Of, and Solution To, All Of Life's Problems!

I'm not a beer drinker.  A good glass of Riesling, or maybe a nice vodka martini, yes, but beer...well, I never developed the taste for it.  With that, I do appreciate a good beer.  I toured the Budweiser facility a few years back, and was really surprised by all the care and time that goes into making a batch of brew.  I also learned that chocolate infused dark ale is not half bad.  Then again, chocolate infused anything is okay in my book.

Anyway, the point is:  I don't really like beer.  However, I do like technology, especially when it makes me giggle.  This did it.

Photo Credit:  Blippitt.com

The machine in the photo is called BottomsUP by GrinOn Industries, and yes, it is, in fact, filling those beer glasses from the bottom.  You know, the part of the cup where you generally do not want to find a hole. 

Now, "why," you may ask, "are they filling the cup like that, and not just pouring the beer into the open mouth of the glass?"  Ask away.  Believe it or not, through the miracle of science (!), this method actually allows the glasses to fill faster, and with less foam.  Therefore, the drinker gets more bang for his buck, and the option of getting drunk faster...I mean, the bars which employ this can provide a better product with greater speed, thereby increasing their revenue.  Yeah.  That's the ticket.

How does it work?  When the cup is placed on the machine, the beer is shot through a hole in the bottom of the cup.  That hole is sealed with a magnet (it lifts up to allow the beer to flow in).  Yes, the cups will be more expensive, but sponsors (who would put their logo on the magnet) could offset that price.  Bottom line:  It's fast, innovative, solves that foam problem, and has a brilliant gimmick.  I'd say it's got a darn good chance.  Heck, I'd buy a glass off of it. 

So, thinking about beer guts (weren't we?), I'm sick of mine.  I'm doing the whole slim-fast thing, walking, doing crunches and situps, and one day, I swear I'm going to put together the mini-trampoline I got for Christmas, but it's slow-going.  I know that I will get rid of this holiday weight, but until then, I need a little help.

I'm a good, Southern girl with good, Southern breeding.  I know that there are just some outfits you don't wear unless you have some serious Lycra underneath them.  Heck, when I was seventeen and had a stomach so flat it was nearly concave, I still wore control-top pantyhose with my prom dress.  That's just being raised right.

Well, I'm not seventeen anymore, and my stomach is no longer curving in on itself, so I've had to up the ante a bit on my foundations.  This year, for Christmas, I wore a gorgeous, bright red, Calvin Klein wiggle dress.  Oh, my God, I cannot put into words how much I love this dress.  Anyway, in order to have all the curves in the right places, I wore not one, but two shapers.  One to suck in my tummy and thighs, and the other to smooth out the bumps made by the first shaper.  It worked, but I couldn't breathe and was totally miserable all night.  Plus, the shapers kept moving and bunching, which sent me on continuous trips to the ladies' to put things back in order.  The dress looked amazing, but I have never been so ready to take off an item of clothing.  To add insult to injury, the shapers were, quite frankly, ugly.  It's hard to feel like a million bucks in a sexy dress when your foundations make you feel like an old lady.  This was unacceptable.

Fast forward to last Friday.  Mom and I were wandering through Penney's, when I saw something in the lingerie section and started laughing.  Granted, I frequently laugh when I pass lingerie stores, but generally over the ridiculous "attire" they have in the windows.  This time, I made a bee-line to get a better look.

What I saw was a camisole shaper with matching boy-short tummy toner.  They were black.  They were sparkly.  They were darn cute.  Honestly, the set made me think of the jazz costumes at my old ballet school.  It was not unlike something out of Broadway's Chicago.  They were on sale, definitely not grandma-ish, and I needed something better than what I was dealing with, so I practiced my best jazz hands and sugar-walked over to the cashier.

The tank and shorts are from Maidenform's Fat Free Dressing shapewear collection (and how cute is that?).  The tank is designed to be wearable on the outside, as well as underneath, hence the sparklies.  The set is available in a variety of colors, ranging from basic nude to a shimmery gold glitter, and, according to Maidenform, "You will feel comfortable all day long, while looking slimmer and trimmer!" 

I tried the set today, with jeggings and a cute sweater that was just a little too snug the last time I wore it.  First of all, when I put on the shapewear, I felt adorable.  Seriously.  The black, sparkly shorts and tank look absolutely darling on.  When I put on the jeggings, there was no line, which I'd been concerned about.  Then, when I slipped on the sweater, it fit.  No bulge, no bump, no chance of anyone asking when I'm due, no nothing.  Awesome!

As for comfort, I'm not going to lie.  I can tell that I have on a tummy toner.  It's not unpleasant, and I don't feel like I've been sucked into a sausage casing, but there is a little pressure around my midsection.  I'm looking at it as a reminder to sit up straight and practice correct posture.  Other than that, no complaints.  Nothing has moved or slipped.  I haven't had to run to the ladies' room to adjust things.  Everything is as it should be.  I'm sold.  I just may wear this under everything, now.  Mom will be so proud.