Monday, January 10, 2011

The Cause Of, and Solution To, All Of Life's Problems!

I'm not a beer drinker.  A good glass of Riesling, or maybe a nice vodka martini, yes, but beer...well, I never developed the taste for it.  With that, I do appreciate a good beer.  I toured the Budweiser facility a few years back, and was really surprised by all the care and time that goes into making a batch of brew.  I also learned that chocolate infused dark ale is not half bad.  Then again, chocolate infused anything is okay in my book.

Anyway, the point is:  I don't really like beer.  However, I do like technology, especially when it makes me giggle.  This did it.

Photo Credit:
The machine in the photo is called BottomsUP by GrinOn Industries, and yes, it is, in fact, filling those beer glasses from the bottom.  You know, the part of the cup where you generally do not want to find a hole. 

Now, "why," you may ask, "are they filling the cup like that, and not just pouring the beer into the open mouth of the glass?"  Ask away.  Believe it or not, through the miracle of science (!), this method actually allows the glasses to fill faster, and with less foam.  Therefore, the drinker gets more bang for his buck, and the option of getting drunk faster...I mean, the bars which employ this can provide a better product with greater speed, thereby increasing their revenue.  Yeah.  That's the ticket.

How does it work?  When the cup is placed on the machine, the beer is shot through a hole in the bottom of the cup.  That hole is sealed with a magnet (it lifts up to allow the beer to flow in).  Yes, the cups will be more expensive, but sponsors (who would put their logo on the magnet) could offset that price.  Bottom line:  It's fast, innovative, solves that foam problem, and has a brilliant gimmick.  I'd say it's got a darn good chance.  Heck, I'd buy a glass off of it. 

So, thinking about beer guts (weren't we?), I'm sick of mine.  I'm doing the whole slim-fast thing, walking, doing crunches and situps, and one day, I swear I'm going to put together the mini-trampoline I got for Christmas, but it's slow-going.  I know that I will get rid of this holiday weight, but until then, I need a little help.

I'm a good, Southern girl with good, Southern breeding.  I know that there are just some outfits you don't wear unless you have some serious Lycra underneath them.  Heck, when I was seventeen and had a stomach so flat it was nearly concave, I still wore control-top pantyhose with my prom dress.  That's just being raised right.

Well, I'm not seventeen anymore, and my stomach is no longer curving in on itself, so I've had to up the ante a bit on my foundations.  This year, for Christmas, I wore a gorgeous, bright red, Calvin Klein wiggle dress.  Oh, my God, I cannot put into words how much I love this dress.  Anyway, in order to have all the curves in the right places, I wore not one, but two shapers.  One to suck in my tummy and thighs, and the other to smooth out the bumps made by the first shaper.  It worked, but I couldn't breathe and was totally miserable all night.  Plus, the shapers kept moving and bunching, which sent me on continuous trips to the ladies' to put things back in order.  The dress looked amazing, but I have never been so ready to take off an item of clothing.  To add insult to injury, the shapers were, quite frankly, ugly.  It's hard to feel like a million bucks in a sexy dress when your foundations make you feel like an old lady.  This was unacceptable.

Fast forward to last Friday.  Mom and I were wandering through Penney's, when I saw something in the lingerie section and started laughing.  Granted, I frequently laugh when I pass lingerie stores, but generally over the ridiculous "attire" they have in the windows.  This time, I made a bee-line to get a better look.

What I saw was a camisole shaper with matching boy-short tummy toner.  They were black.  They were sparkly.  They were darn cute.  Honestly, the set made me think of the jazz costumes at my old ballet school.  It was not unlike something out of Broadway's Chicago.  They were on sale, definitely not grandma-ish, and I needed something better than what I was dealing with, so I practiced my best jazz hands and sugar-walked over to the cashier.

The tank and shorts are from Maidenform's Fat Free Dressing shapewear collection (and how cute is that?).  The tank is designed to be wearable on the outside, as well as underneath, hence the sparklies.  The set is available in a variety of colors, ranging from basic nude to a shimmery gold glitter, and, according to Maidenform, "You will feel comfortable all day long, while looking slimmer and trimmer!" 

I tried the set today, with jeggings and a cute sweater that was just a little too snug the last time I wore it.  First of all, when I put on the shapewear, I felt adorable.  Seriously.  The black, sparkly shorts and tank look absolutely darling on.  When I put on the jeggings, there was no line, which I'd been concerned about.  Then, when I slipped on the sweater, it fit.  No bulge, no bump, no chance of anyone asking when I'm due, no nothing.  Awesome!

As for comfort, I'm not going to lie.  I can tell that I have on a tummy toner.  It's not unpleasant, and I don't feel like I've been sucked into a sausage casing, but there is a little pressure around my midsection.  I'm looking at it as a reminder to sit up straight and practice correct posture.  Other than that, no complaints.  Nothing has moved or slipped.  I haven't had to run to the ladies' room to adjust things.  Everything is as it should be.  I'm sold.  I just may wear this under everything, now.  Mom will be so proud.


  1. ok, seriously - are you psychic or something? i've been on a mission to find something to wear under my new jeans that'll help me smooth out until i can get back to the gym. these sound amazing. and there is NOTHING that glitter can't fix... :)

  2. Glad to be of service! I think we're all in the same after-holidays boat, hon.


Add your own ramblings, musings, or existential ponderings here--just keep it clean and keep it kind.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...