Ode To a String Bikini

I bought a bikini. Not just any bikini, but an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, Victoria's Secret string bikini. In grape.

For the record, I have absolutely no business wearing an itsy-bitsy, teeny-weeny, Victoria's Secret string bikini in any color. Then again, to quote Thomas, "most people don't". Please note that he did not agree with me that I didn't. He's a smart man who wishes to continue breathing.

Honestly, I have no intention of ever wearing this bikini out in public. That's not why I purchased it. For months, I have been less than happy with my physical appearance. I'm not going to say weight, because I'm actually right smack dab in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height. I'm curvy where I'm supposed to be curvy...and, unfortunately, also where I'm not. I've gotten a little lackadaisical in my diet and exercise routine (read: I don't have one--I like to eat popcorn and watch Bar Rescue in the evenings, snuggled up with my hubby and puppy. Sue me.), and I needed a kick in the pants to make myself tone up and slim down a smidgen. Hence, the bikini.

I've always been a flat-tummied, flat-chested dancer with hips and thighs. Most girls "blossom" in their teens. Me? I waited until I was in my late twenties, then freakin' bloomed everywhere overnight. I went from an A to a C, ladies. That's crazy. Oh--and I was still dancing, so that isn't what did it. It was strictly genetics playing a cruel joke. My wedding dress looked awesome (I practically spilled out of it), but we had to move some buttons over. Since then, I've been on a rollercoaster of dress sizes, and have only just, finally, come to realize that I don't need to be the four I've been my whole life. I have embraced the curves, and I think I look kind of hot, if I do say so myself. I'm just also a little cellulite-y and puffy, and I don't like it. I want to be able to put on this bikini, look at myself in the mirror and think: yeah! I can pull this off! Then throw on a pair of shorts over it before I head over to my Mom's pool. My goals are small, y'all.

So, I'm doing something about my situation. I've decided to force myself to exercise thirty minutes a day (which I should be doing, anyway), and I'm eating more fruits and vegetables. If I fill up on those, I can't fill up on my beloved carbs and calories. I've also picked up a skin firming moisturizer to, supposedly, help hide the cellulite (I don't even pretend to hope it will work miracles, but I'll take what I can get), and some self-tanner. It's not much, but it's a start. I'm not dieting. I'm trying to live healthier.

Oh--if I actually get in that bikini, I'll be sure to take a picture...as soon I toss on my shorts and a t-shirt.

Wearing Green and Dreaming Vintage

Happy St. Paddy's Day!!! With any luck, you're all off from work, drinking green beer, and enjoying parades!

I'm not.

As I am stuck inside for the wearin' o' the green, I've decided to daydream a bit, and pretend that it's already Summer, and I am on vacation somewhere beautiful and warm with a pool. Unfortunately, that reminds me that swimsuit season is just around the corner, and I am in no way ready for it. I am counting calories, excercising more, and doing what I can to make my cellulite less visible, so there's hope (though, for my feelings on hope, see yesterday's post), but I'm not jumping into a teeny bikini anytime soon.

Of course, I'm not opposed to something a little more vintage-inspired, that would cover what was needed and let the curves shine through. Something like this, perhaps:



Photo Credit: Unique Vintage

 How cute is that?! I love the shirred fabric across the middle (instant flat stomach), the longer torso that makes you look taller and covers problem areas around the rear, and the super-adorable sweetheart neckline. This is a great suit. My only gripe is the price tag: $75.00 is a bit much for my budget.

Thankfully, there's an alternative:

Photo Credit: Target

This is pretty darn close. Same shirring, same long torso, same sweetheart neckline (though, this one has a little twist), even the same color. Also, if you want the halter strap, it comes with one that can be attached. It's not as thick as the Unique Vintage suit's strap, but more of a spaghetti-style. Still, I like having the option to go strapless and avoid those pesky tan lines. Best of all, this bathing beauty is only $34.99. Now, that's a price I can live with.

Don't forget, folks, you have to cover up your skin, too!

Photo Credit: e.l.f. cosmetics
(I'm so sorry it's grainy.)

This SPF Kit from e.l.f. is a great way to keep away all those nasty UV rays. It contains their Studio SPF 45 powder, Studio SPF 15 lip balm, Super Glossy lip shine in Candlelight (SPF 15), a Studio Kubuki face brush, and a lip brush.

Believe it or not, I've used all of this stuff before. The powder was a little too dark for me (I'm kin to Casper the Friendly Ghost), but it has a lovely matte finish, and will work well over a Summer (sunless) tan. The lip balm is a staple of mine. It moisturizes amazingly well, feels like butter, and makes your lips look gorgeous. The lip shine feels awesome, isn't sticky (yay!) and smells scrumptious. The face brush is soft and blends well, and the lip brush is...well, a lip brush. It doesn't shed, but that's pretty much all I can say about it. The kit runs $16, and is well worth twice that price.

I hope everyone finds a pot of gold!

If you do, feel free to send me two tickets to Aruba. I'll be your best friend forever. Please? Pretty, pretty please?

Slim Pickings

Photo Credit: drugstore.com

The other day, I walked through Target's sliding glass doors, and immediately felt a cold chill shimmy up and down my spine. As I shivered, I looked to my left and saw row upon row of multi-colored sugary chicks, ducks, and bunnies. To my right, a half-dozen racks of the skimpiest bathing suits known to man. Spring is here. I'm going to have to wear *gulp* SHORTS! ARGH!!!

Before you argue that I might be able to get away with capris or something in a nice linen, let me remind you that I live about as far South as one can get without swimming or entering another country. We have what is known as a "semi-tropical" climate. That sounds nice, doesn't it? "Semi-tropical". It makes you think of relaxing on sugar-sand beaches, sipping a fruity, rum-filled concoction while the sound of tin drums lilts past on a breeze. IT'S A LIE! Yes, we have a gorgeous beach and plenty of rum, but there is no breeze. None. Ever. We occasionally have wind, but that's a whole 'nother deal. There is heat. There is humidity. There is sweatin--er, glowing, and praying the air-conditioner doesn't go out like it did last year. There is the knowledge that you will have to change clothes at least once during the day, and most likely take two showers. I honestly believe that the Alabama Welcome Center should issue all tourists a pair of flip-flops and a personal fan upon crossing the border, along with a heartfelt, "Good luck, you're gonna need it." And that's just May. By August, it's a wonder we're all not in jail for indecent exposure.

No, shorts, skirts, rompers, and sundresses make up my closet during the Spring and Summer months. As I've already broken out the capris and tank tops, it's becoming painfully obvious that the next step will be sunless tanner and an increased diet and exercise regimen. I also thought that it might be a good time to address the, admittedly minor, cellulite on the thighs. It's not bad, but it's got to go.

After a few minutes of research on Total Beauty (my go-to site for user reviews), I had my skin-firming cream choices down to four: Nivea, Almay, Olay, and Jegens. Each had great reviews and was featured on the site's top skin-firming creams list, and they were all in the very budget-friendly $7-$12 range. Whichever was in stock was the one I'd go with.

That turned out to be the Jergens ($7.49, drugstore.com). I took it home, and used it the very next day after my shower. According to Jergens, this product:

"Reduces the appearance of cellulite for visibly firmer skin. Jergens^® Skin Firming Daily Toning Moisturizer gives cellulite-prone skin a more toned and tightened look.

• Clinically proven to reduce the appearance of cellulite
• Exclusive anti-cellulite Firm Perfecting^® Complex is comprised of six key ingredients known to improve skin's resiliency, elasticity and firmness including collagen, elastin and ginseng."

According to me: I have been using this product for a week. Obviously, that's not enough time to see full results, but it is enough time to evaluate the rest of the products attributes. So, let's do that.

Texture: This is a very lightweight lotion, which is perfect for this climate. The last thing you want is a heavy cream melting and dripping down your thighs. It's un-ladylike. However, for such a light lotion, it is very moisturizing. My skin feels hydrated and fresh. My one qualm would be that, while the lotion is not at all sticky or tacky, it does give your skin a slight amount of traction. I had a devil of a time pulling my jeans on this morning. They weren't tight jeans, and I'd given the lotion a good ten minutes, or so to dry. Verdict: 8.5 out 10. (Would have been 9, but I was late for my voice lesson because of it. That's not cool.)

Scent: There's not one, really. If you try very hard, you can almost smell a vague, but fresh and clean fragrance. I love this, because it doesn't compete with my perfume. Verdict: 10 out of 10.

Skin-Firming Properties: Now, as I said, a week isn't long enough to truly make a stand on this. Also, there is nothing, aside from surgery, that will truly remove cellulite. The best I can hope for is some smoothing, so the dimples aren't as noticeable. Please note, I'm nowhere near the "cottage cheese" level of cellulite. I'm more like a nice brie: a little soft, a little squishy, but relatively smooth. Plus, brie just sounds nicer (and tastes amazing baked with a little strawberry preserves or caramel sauce and some pecans...which is probably why my legs look like this to begin with). Anyhoo, I've applied the lotion to my entire body once daily, taking extra care to massage a little extra into problem areas (thighs, bum, stomach, and upper arms). I can honestly say that I have notice a slight difference. My skin feels smoother in those areas, and the overall tone is improved. Are the dimples still there? Well, yes, of course, but I can tell that there is hope for the overall appearance. The dimples may never go away, but at least there's a chance they'll lighten up enough to not be embarrassing. Verdict (for the moment): a very optimistic 6 out of 10.


Temporary Verdict (as I will update this in the future): 8.2 out of 10. Very promising, and a darn good lotion either way.