Bizarre Halloween Tutorial: What Did You Do Today?

Oh, nothin' much. Just cleaned the bathroom, mopped the kitchen, and painted a severed hand? You?

I've gotta say, it looks pretty darn good, too.

Here's what it started out as:


Photo Credit



 And here's how it looks now:

As I've said before, my world is a little strange. The hand's for a short we're filming next weekend, and while it's still not quite finished (those seams! My God, those seams!), I'm really happy with it. Now, I know most of you guys aren't going to need to film a severed hand, but some of you may be planning Halloween decorations, so I thought I'd share how Thomas and I livened up the undead hand.

The hand, itself, came from the local party supply store. It was in a mesh bag with another hand and a couple of feet (and that is a sentence I never thought I'd write). The hand is almost exactly the same size as my hand. Aside from the zombie color and plastic bone sticking out, it was fairly realistic, and the whole bag cost about ten bucks. I guess, if we ever need any severed feet, we're all set.

I'm not counting that out...

Anyhoo, Thomas gave the entire hand a base coat of Apple Barrel acrylic in Lite Mocha (two coats), which looks like my liquid foundation, and repainted the red "blood". The red is really just a guideline for where to put the fake blood...that I still need to make and just remembered. Great. Once all the paint was good and dry, I started detailing.

The nails are fake press-ons from the drugstore. The hand had some nail bed detailing that I was able to use as a guide for sizing. The nail kit came with glue, but I opted to attach the nails with some rhinestone glue. Honestly, I figured there was less chance of gluing my fingers together that way.

Once the nails dried, I was able to file them into the shape I wanted. Then, I painted them with two coats of Essie Naughty Nautical. After that dried, I took a small detailing brush and touched up the skin-colored paint, adding in cuticles as I went. Finally, I painted one more coat of the Essie, just to clean up the cuticle area a bit.

When all of that dried, I was able to add the finishing touches. With a sponge, I applied a cream foundation over the entire skin area, giving the hand more of a natural skin finish. I set the foundation with a powder, then brushed a berry blush very lightly over the entire hand, concentrating the color around the knuckles and nails--where my own skin is naturally pinker. Then, I used a fluffy brush to apply a matte bronzer over the entire hand. The final effect is a little unnerving. It looks real. And off-putting. And kind of cool.

So, if you're in the market for a life-like severed hand...well, here you go. Now, if you'll pardon me, I'm going to go reevaluate my life choices.

Oh, who am I kidding? I freaking love this kind of stuff. Bring on Halloween!

Why Is That Inflatable Snowman Holding a Rifle?

Over the weekend, Thomas and I did a little shopping at the local Wally World. As we stood in line with a carving pumpkin and some Halloween candy, Thomas asked me what, quite frankly, might be my new favorite question, ever:

"Why is that inflatable snowman holding a rifle?"

Sure enough, there was an inflatable snowman displayed on a shelf. He wore an inflatable hunting cap, and carried an inflatable rifle, which was trained on an inflatable reindeer. The last part was merely coincidence, but I could easily see the entire tableaux winding up in a neighbor's yard. Heck, I could probably tell you now which  yard. We shook our heads at the silliness, paid for our stuff, and went on to our next stop, Big Lots. We needed to pick up some more lights for Mom's Halloween yard display.

When we got  to the store, we were thrilled to find the lights on sale. In fact, all of the Halloween decorations were on sale, and had been moved up to the very front of the store, because the "seasonal" area of the store had been decked out with Christmas trees and tinsel. The leftover macabre merch had no place left to go but out the door.

At Target, it was nice to see that the pumpkins hadn't already been clearanced into oblivion, but that was probably only because so very few items remained. The stragglers had been consolidated, though, and light-up candy canes and glittering greeting cards were already encroaching upon their former territory.

We managed to find the fog machine and liquid we needed, and made our way through the mall to Penney's, where I wanted to grab some tights to go underneath my costume. The weather had suddenly switched from Summer to Winter, completely bypassing Fall, and I had no desire to freeze my trick-or-treats off on Halloween night. Walking through the connecting hallway, neither of us could help but notice the illuminated "icicles" dripping from the ceiling.

"Gosh Darnit!" (Okay, so Thomas didn't say exactly that, but this is a family-friendly blog) "Christmas decorations?!" And sure enough, the store's Ladies' department was already swimming in styrofoam snowflakes.

"You know," I told him, "when I worked at Barnie's (a now-defunct coffee shop inside the main area of the mall), we were appalled when the mall maintenace guys started putting the Christmas wreaths up on Halloween. Now, we're doing good to even make it to Halloween." We went home, carved a jack-o-lantern, and watched a marathon of haunted attraction and creature-building television shows.

This morning, I had a few minutes to kill before heading into work, so I stopped by the strip mall next to my office building. Ross had a tiny rack of picked-over Halloween items, and probably a dozen tables and half a dozen shelving systems filled with stocking stuffers and barware, each designated as "holiday" by a glitzy red sign. Bed Bath & Beyond didn't even pretend to have any Halloween stuff left--not even on sale--and I soon found myself surrounded by crystal-encrusted mistletoe and gingerbread candles.

Now, I don't mean to come off as down on Christmas. I love Christmas. Every year on the Day after Thanksgiving, I do my Black Friday shopping, then come home to wrap presents and decorate the tree. The first available Saturday after Thanksgiving, I fire up the oven and bake cookies and breads while Miracle on 34th Street and Christmas Vacation play on the television (last year, Galaxy Quest somehow made it into the mix, too, but I think that's just because the cranberry walnut cookies took too long in the oven). I drink egg nog lattes even though I have no idea what egg nog actually is. Thomas and I set up our Christmas village just like my family always did when I was a kid. I get a Christmas dress for Vigil Mass. A little part of me still hopes Albert the Elf will stop by for a nibble of pumpkin bread.

I adore the entire holiday season...during the holiday season. The problem is when the holiday season preempts other holidays. First of all, it's just downright weird seeing the Baby Jesus next to a life-size, animated skeleton with glowing eyes and special-action fogger. My mind goes into a very trippy place when I shop for headstones and cobwebs while "Good King Wenceslas" plays overhead. One of these things is not like the others, and my poor little overworked brain can't justify what it's taking in.

Secondly, the longer the holiday season lasts, the fatter I get and the less money I have. See, Black Friday circulars have already begun circulating. The sales are beginning, and try as I might, my genetic makeup absolutely prevents me from resisting a good sale. Normally, I can turn away from 20 and 30-percent off events, but the holiday season brings with it 50 and 75-percent off prices, free gifts with purchase, and special bonuses just for coming in the store! All that free and cheap stuff nearly breaks me every. darn. year. Plus, since Thanksgiving (a day when I normally don't pig out, oddly enough) gets passed over before it even arrives, holiday cookies, cakes, pies, and coffee drinks get a head start. I can avoid buying them, but it seems rude to turn down a homemade snack from a proud coworker, or a pre-rehearsal nosh from a sweet choir lady. If I only had a month to get through, I could maybe handle it, but it's only October, and it's already starting! We're looking at over two months of penny and calorie-counting, and I'm stressed out just thinking about it.

Lastly, and most importantly, the longer the holiday season, the meaner people get. I hate that. You'd think it would be the opposite, since this is supposedly the time for joy, peace, and love, but it's not. It's the time for fighting over parking spaces, clutching your handbag a little tighter out of fear, and forgetting that the world doesn't revolve around you. I felt it start today, and that's really what prompted this entire rant. Trying to leave the strip mall, I had two (TWO!) drivers honk their horns at me, not because I was driving recklessly or not paying attention, but because I existed. As I pulled out of my parking space, I heard the first horn. The driver was at the other end of the aisle, but didn't want me to pull out because she'd have to wait ten seconds for me to drive away. However, she had no problem making me wait for a couple of minutes while she blocked the aisle and held a conversation with the people she was dropping off at the door. Immediately after that, I encountered the other horn as I yielded at a yield sign to a driver who had the right of way, and was physically blocking my path. The car behind me didn't view the laws of physics as a good enough excuse to keep her waiting, again, for a matter of seconds. Those feathered tophat ornaments weren't going to buy themselves, I guess.

Last Black Friday, my car was nearly hit, and a pedestrian nearly flattened, by a driver who felt the need to speed around me to get the parking spot I was about to turn into. She flipped us off and cursed at us as they passed, causing several onlookers to shake their heads and shrug their shoulders. No one had a clue why the driver felt so entitled to that spot, or why she felt it warranted attempted vehicular homicide. Back in my retail days, I was yelled at for not smiling enough, for not being the store they'd meant to go to, for not making the line shorter, for not playing the song they wanted to hear. I've been made to cry on more than one occasion, and once had to have mall security walk me out to my car after I received a death threat. The reason: I'd told a large group of customers that they needed to make their final purchases, as the mall was closing and I didn't want them to be locked in. It was nearing midnight on Christmas Eve, and the store had already technically been closed for nearly half an hour.

Apparently, the holidays are upon us. Santa Claus has already started making cameo appearances in commercials, and it's only a matter of days before that annoying Target lady shows back up. 'Tis the season of brotherly love, and 'tis going to be that season for a heck of a long time. If you take nothing more out of my tirade, please, at least take this much to heart: We're all in this together. Try not to be a jerk.

Thank you, and Merry Hallogivmas.

Don't Fear the Reaper

When it comes to Trick or Treating, it's really all about the yard. Ask any kid, and they'll tell you that you skip the houses with no lights, hope someone's home at the places with a couple of jack-o-lanterns, and bee-line it to the "haunted" houses. Ghosts, cobwebs, blacklights, and interactive goodies attract trick or treaters like Jason to a Summer camp. Want the most jumpin' house in the 'hood (I am so sorry...I should never attempt to be "hip")? Try these surprisingly affordable options to instantly up your cool quotient.

Photo Credit: Halloween Forum

I adore this Scream telephone. ($24.99, Spirit Halloween) This "vintage" handset is motion-activated, so it rings whenever someone passes by. Pick up the receiver, and hear Ghostface say, "What's your favorite scary movie?" and much more! Keep it by the candy bucket to freak out some kiddies. Even better? Have a friend dress up as Ghostface and pop out with a cellphone!

Photo Credit: Target

This little Reaper packs a huge punch, and you won't believe the price! ($20.00, Target) At around two feet tall, this reaper is the perfect height to frighten all of your tiny terrors. Lay him behind some dollar store headstones, or fashion a coffin out of cardboard. Either way, when he pops up and screams, your house will instantly become the center of attention! (And, as I have one of these guys in my dining room now, I can personally attest to his scream. It will be heard. No doubt. Also, he's super lightweight, so easy to carry. Just don't put him outside until time for trick or treating.)