Walkers On Aisle 7 (Or: How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Mall)

So...this happened...


Credit: al.com

And all I could think of was this (turn your sound down. It's ...weird):


Credit: youtube

The first video was taken at a Wal-Mart in my home town. In fact, it's the Wal-Mart where I generally shop. The only reason--and I do mean only--that I was not there for this Black Friday massacre is that I was at another location closer to my house. The second is from AMC's The Walking Dead, and really makes me think that the zombie apocalypse is already upon us, and we just haven't noticed.

Yes. Yes, I went into the fray on Black Friday Eve (formerly known as Thanksgiving). It's not something I've ever done before, but Thomas and I have been looking to replace the prehistoric television (it's a box!) in our bedroom for some time, and Wally World was rumored to have one in the perfect size for the perfect price. It was kind of a now or never type of deal. There is no way I would have ever attempted to brave the store otherwise.

I can honestly say that I've never experienced anything like it, and I've worked Black Fridays in both a mall coffee shop and a New York chocolate boutique, not to mention a major department store. You could barely move inside the store. The aisles were filled with palettes of items to be sold only at specified times, and the few clear bits of aisle were taken up by people waiting in lines for those items. Periodically, uniformed officers would sweep those aisles to prevent impatient folks from tearing into the plastic wrap and taking what they wanted before the sales event began. They also served as armed guards for the poor employees who had to deliver the palettes to the floor. The actual departments within the store were roped off with caution tape, forming makeshift Disneyland queues through ladies' pajamas and produce. On top of that, all around, exhausted shoppers were sitting or lying on the floor, resting, while protecting their precious packages. I alsmost ran over one with a cart. It wasn't even my cart. I was just trying to squeeze past it, and didn't see a man slumped on the ground beside it.

The employees were wonderful, helpful, and even patient, but the patrons were anything but. I was stepped on, yelled at, and tugged on, and that was just trying to walk past the shoe section. I grasped onto Thomas' hand, just so we could stay together in the ebb and flow of the crowd. When we finally figured out where our queue began, we were issued a ticket for our item. On the ticket was the number 7 in a circle. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for that, but all we could figure was that was Wal-Mart shorthand for being in the Seventh Circle of Hell.

We got our TV. We even got to pay for it, even though that was another hour of trying to decipher where the lines began, and where they split apart again. The entire ordeal was a nightmare, even without the Romero reenactment.

The next morning, I picked my mother and brother up for our traditional 6AM Black Friday shopping at the mall. There was almost no one there. I walked into Bath and Body Works, and was at the counter within five minutes. The first 200 people at Customer Service received gift bags, and I was able to mosey up to the desk and get one. I honestly only did that to kill some time waiting on Mom to check out at Hollister. JCPenney's had some long lines, but the people in them were in good spirits and were polite and patient. What used to be the time for the "crazies" to fight it out over toasters and trinkets has now become, dare I say, quaint. Rising before dawn for Doorbusters is downright sweet, these days.

You know what? You can keep your camping out at Best Buy and your 10pm Wal-Mart zombie attacks. Who needs Midnight openings when you can enjoy a well-earned Turkey coma? I'll just stick to being quaint, thank you.

Black Friday Down

Wow. I'm not as crazy as I thought. Oh, I'm still plenty nuts, but I discovered today that there are folks out there who have downright lost it! See, I thought it was insane for me to hit Walmart with Thomas on Thursday night, then do my internet shopping at midnight (exactly), then pick up Mom and Curt at 5am for Mall shopping on Friday--and it is! That's certifiably crazycakes. However, it could be worse. I could be in line at Best Buy. Now. Monday.

And I wouldn't be alone...

I'm not looney enough to give up sleep, warmth, three days of vacation time, and turkey with my family to save a few bucks on some electronics. If it's something that is really and truly a necessity, and camping out is the only way you can get it, then more power to you, and may the odds be ever in your favor. I'll see you at dawn on Friday.

As it is, heading out into the fray on zero sleep is going to be a challenge. Then, of course, you have to factor in that everyone you have ever known is going to be out and about, too, and you are going to run into them. There's no question about that. If there is one person in the entire world that you don't want to see you in sweats with no makeup, rest assured that you will run into them first. I refuse to give them the satisfaction of seeing me looking like a swamp witch, so I'm planning ahead. If you'd like to join me in strategizing, please read on.

1. Lay It Out
My main tip for Oh Dark Thirty shopping is to lay everything out the night before. And I mean EVERYTHING. Sure, I'll pick out what I plan to wear. Then, I'll pull out shoes, socks, underwear, and any accessories, but I won't stop there! Makeup and hair products can be selected and placed on the vanity or bathroom counter, so you don't have to deal with fuzzy thinking and poor judgement after forty-five minutes of sleep. Lastly, I'll make sure there's a bottled Frappuccino and a power bar in the fridge, ready to go.

2. Keep It Simple
No one is expecting you to look like a supermodel for Black Friday shopping. If you're like me, the look you're going for is less Cindy Crawford and more Not the Wicked Witch of the West. Skip the full face of makeup, and focus on glowing skin and soft, neutral colors. For hair, skip the wash and spritz in a little dry shampoo for volume and freshness, then toss it up, up, and away. My pick: a trendy and super-simple messy topknot for cute and easy hair, and Too Faced Beauty Balm for luminous, yet effortless skin.

3. Make It Last
The last thing you want to have to deal with is touching up your makeup. For one thing, who wants to lug around a makeup bag when you have so many other bags to schlep? Pick products that are known for their staying power. My picks: Buxom Stay There Eyeshadow in Collie (sparkling champagne), Lip Tarnish in Mug Shot (nude pink) or Scandal (mauve), and NYX powder blush in Pinched (shimmering rosy peach). Good Luck!

Costume Couture

The Dilemma: You're invited to a Halloween costume party. Being a little bit the fashionista, you would like to look cute and trendy, but possess zero sewing skills. Your choices currently consist of: A) squeezing into a pre-packaged outfit and hoping for the best, B) grabbing jeans and a t-shirt and going as a college kid/un-morphed Power Ranger, or C) feigning sick for the third year in a row, popping in a DVD of Young Frankenstein and eating all of the Halloween candy before the trick or treaters show up (do not judge me).

Well, now you have option D) hie thee to a Hot Topic.

Long the sartorial hangout of the emo crowd (even to the point of giving us the descriptor, "Hot Topic Kid"), Hot Topic is at the epicenter of the Goth fashion trend. So, yes, it makes perfect sense that they would stock Halloween costumes. There's even a costume guide on their website, in case you need a little inspiration. What's new (to me, anyway) is the "Halloween Couture" area of the site.

What is "Halloween Couture"? Well, it's a collection of higher-end (not super expensive, but slightly pricier and better made) individual pieces that can be worn alone or combined for an original, personalized, Halloween look. These are not your typical superhero corsets or fairy wings, either. We're talking satin dresses, floor length tulle-over-pleather skirts, and some surprisingly intricate detailing. For example: the Black Steampunk Jacket ($64) features corset styling with bronze grommets, a flattering keyhole cutaway between the bottom of the high-collar neckline/sleeve section and the top of the corset bodice, a lace-up back, and buckle detailing at the cuffs. A tulle mini skirt ($42.50) showcases lace-up detailing around the waist, with long grommet embellished straps dangling down to the knees. Paired together, you have a punky, Tim Burton-esque creation (think: Female Edward Scissorhands).

Before you balk at the price, let me add that a few dresses and several of the tops in the collection could be repurposed under blazers for office settings, so you're not necessarily just buying a Halloween costume. Shorter skirts could be accessorized with boots and tights for a fun weekend look, as well.

Now, obviously, not everything in the collection is a winner. There are a couple of stretch satin tops that don't even flatter the perfect bodies of their models. Also, there are two stretch cotton halter dresses that, while simply precious, appear ill-fitting in the photos. I'm not sure if it's poor design, or merely a matter of the stylist needing to go up a size. Still and all, it's an impressive collection that can fill both costume and regular wardrobe requirements. If pre-packaged isn't cutting it for you, give this site a go.

Photo Credits (All): Hot Topic

Nice Lady Giving Excellent Directions*

Tonight, I get to shoot a national commercial!! Yay!! It's for a video on demand service that's getting ready to launch. I'm not giving details, yet, but if I can find out when/where it'll air, I'll let you know.

It's a short spot, and I'll be appearing as myself, in my own clothes of my own choosing, which is awesome. I get to be comfortable, and get a little bit of exposure all at the same time. No complaints here. The thing is...I'm not a stylist. I'm also not rich and famous, so I don't have a stylist. I have one really artistic friend that I tease about becoming my stylist, but, frankly, she's way more talented than I could probably ever afford. So, to recap, I need something cool but casual to wear on national television, and have a limited budget and only one hour in the mall. Wait...wasn't that a television show?

In any case, I did what any self-respecting actress on a mission would do: I wandered blindly into the coolest store in the mall, and ambled around aimlessly, hoping something fabulous would jump into my arms. No such luck with that, but instead, I got something better.

Enter Jennifer, the wonder associate. She asked me what I was looking for ("something cool that won't make me look huge"), and within what felt like seconds, had three amazing outfits for me to try on. She even figured out my jean size just by looking at me, and I don't even know my jean size. Before too long, I was in a fantastic, layered look that was laid-back but sparkly enough to be dressy (and seriously, when have I ever turned down sparkle?). Jennifer even accessorized everything with a gorgeous belt, so it shows off my curves and waistline. I never could have come up with this outfit, and it's perfect. Jennifer, you are my hero.

So, without further ado, I give you my outfit, styled by Jennifer. All pieces are by Daytrip, and available at Buckle. I can't wait to add my fancy Guess shoes into the mix!

First, there's this unbelievably cool henley tank. It's a snake-skin print that's overlaid with tiny clear sequins, which gives it a real snake-skin effect. I have a feeling I'm going to be wearing this a lot. $25.

That gets layered underneath this beautiful and airy cream-colored slub knit tunic, inset with cream lace. The detailing at the neckline is a lot more detailed than you'd expect at this price point. The jewels are covered in silver and gold mesh, which tones down the shine for a subdued, but not matte, sparkle. $26.50

The belt is probably my favorite piece. It completely transforms the outfit from basic to bombshell. It's an ivory faux leather stretch belt, with glittering rhinestones inset in a brushed gold-tone belt buckle. It's over-the-top, but in a very good way. $14.95.

Everything's going over blue jeans, but I guess it doesn't really matter, since I'll only be shot from the waist up. The moral of today's story, kids, is don't be afraid to ask for help. Jennifer, and sales associates like her, know their stuff, and are ready and willing to help you find what you're looking for. They also deserve a little recognition from time to time. Jennifer, if you're reading this, thanks for being awesome.

*In case you're wondering about the title, my best friend's ridiculously cool daughter drew a picture for the refrigerator. It's titled, "Evil Lady Giving Wrong Directions". We have no idea.