Monday, April 8, 2013

Are You Kidding Me?

Good evening, ladies and germs! Wow, I just put sunless tanner all over my body, and BOY are my arms tired!

No, seriously. I put sunless tanner on this morning, and now I'm doing well to hold my water bottle to my mouth without wearing most of the contents. My arms are as shaky as if I'd done a hundred push-ups. Well, let me rephrase that: my arms are as shaky as I would imagine them to be if I'd done a hundred push-ups. We all know I've never done a hundred you can stop laughing at the idea of it (Mom and Thomas). Thanks.

Am I really in that bad of shape? I mean, my arms are actually sore from applying the lotion to the skin. That's ridiculous. Granted, I've never been the kind of girl who could do chin-ups or bench press, well, anything. In high school, I joined the band to get out of P.E. Of course, I joined the color guard, so I twirled flags and danced and ran all over the place, so it kind of defeated the purpose, but's the principle. Anyway, I've danced for most of my life--professionally, for a spell--and still have the calves and thighs to prove it. So, while I've never been athletically inclined, I've always thought I was "in shape". Not supermodel bikini shape, but certainly not embarrasingly weak and wimpy.

Apparently, I was wrong.

I have been bested by a bottle of bronzer. That's pathetic.

Maybe it's because I'm only a couple of months away from my 33rd birthday, and my baby brother (whom I'm old enough to have birthed, myself) is in high school and learning how to drive, but this is really depressing me. I truly thought I was healthy. Sure, I'm a few pounds heavier than I'd like to be (aren't we all?), but I'm in the middle of my target weight for my height. I ate a salad for lunch. I had a smoothie for a snack. Am I just getting old? When my Mom was my age, I was eight--that's sobering. True, I dye away the "sparkle" in my hairline, and I use an eye cream and anti-aging treatment, but that doesn't make me old? Does it? I'm buying a house and working with a mortgage lender and figuring out insurance and all sorts of other grown-up-y things, but that doesn't make me old? Right?

I am not old. I will not be old. I might gain years, chronologically speaking (it sure beats the alternative), but I will not be old. My aunt is 87 years old (and shall remain nameless, because she'd kill me for letting that out) and is still completely independent, dresses stylishly, and is sharp as a tack. She's not old, so, neither am I.

I might do more grown-up-y things, like have a kid, or open an IRA (neither happening anytime soon), but that does not make me old.

I might have to start coloring my hair more often to cover up the ever-increasing "sparkle", but that does not make me old.

I might get winded putting on body lotion, or have to stop on the third or fourth flight of stairs, but that does not make me old.

I'm not old until I say so, and you can't make me. Nana nana boo boo!

By the way, the tan looks good.

Plus, I got carded today buying a pack of wine coolers at the grocery store. Probably because I was wearing sweatpants, a Doctor Who shirt, and no makeup.

I guess I'm not over the hill just yet.

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