Thursday, December 6, 2012

The Ugly Sweater Party Has Been Cancelled

*I like to keep this blog G-rated, so this post has been edited for television.

[Thank] you, weather! It's a [thankful] seventy-three degrees outside? How in the [heck] is anyone supposed to get in the [gall dern] Christmas spirit wearing [fashion] shorts and flip flops? Somebody's gonna have a [cluckin'] heatstroke hanging the [pot clam?] icicle lights! [Flibbertygibbit blargle blargle harumph]!

Clearly, I have a career in dialogue editing before me.

In all seriousness, though, it really is 73-degrees down here in the ninth cir--Deep South, and the heat is truly putting a damper on my holiday fun. As I type, I'm in tissue-thin short sleeves, no socks, and my hair is off my neck. I've gone back to the tinted moisturizer to keep from sweating off foundation, and that's with the air-conditioner running. Sure, the tree is pretty in any temperature, but I felt downright stupid setting out my snowmen figurines and snowflake stocking hangers. I know it's not his fault, but when I see the weatherman, I can't help but picture him green, furry, and wearing a pathetic Santa suit.

So, Southern brethren, I've put together a list of things that might help us, at least, fake a white Christmas; kind of like how S.A.D. sufferers use their little light boxes. Good luck! Now, does anyone have any peppermint-scented sunscreen?
Photo Credit: Think Geek
Nothing says "Christmas" like handfuls of fluffy, white, snow. Heck, there's even a song about it! Fake it till you make it with this wonder of science! Just add water, and watch drifts of snow magically form! Like regular snow, it doesn't last forever (it dries out, so you can reuse it). Unlike snow, it doesn't make the best ice cream, so don't eat it.

Photo Credit: Best Buy
You know, I have a fireplace. It's beautiful, and one day, maybe it won't be hotter 'n Hades outside, so I can light the darn thing! Until then, I have this delightful, realistic (?), facsimile of a roaring fire. Unfortunately, I look like an idiot trying to roast chestnuts over the tv.

Photo Credit: Bath and Body Works
If you can't be cold, you can at least smell the cold with this chilly candle. Heck, I might light mine when I get home, pour a mug of hot cocoa, snuggle up on the sofa with the puppy, and sweat off fifteen pounds of water weight.

Al Gore, I totally blame you.**

**not really.

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