How To Make Teenagers Think You're Cool

This morning, I got up, fixed myself a cup of coffee, caught up on the Internet, ran to Target for a couple of things, whipped up a quart of blood, loaded the dishwasher, got a shower, and--wait. One of these things is not like the others...

 

Long story short, my kid brother's middle school is putting on a Haunted House this weekend, and the kids voted for me (gosh, I have no idea why) to make the blood. Really, I'm doing a little happy dance that my thirteen year-old brother isn't embarrassed to be seen with his old lady sis, and actually likes doing things with me. His friends even think I'm kinda sorta almost a little bit cool. Almost. Okay, I'm probably deluding myself on that one. Of course, thrilled as I am to do this, there is no way on God's green Earth I'm making the FIVE TO SEVEN GALLONS the kids originally asked for, but that's another story. Short version: they don't need anywhere near that much. They're getting a quart. That's more than enough to dribble on their goggles (it's a mad scientist/zombie/hospital theme), rubber gloves, body part props, and smear on their lab coats. I'm also leaving them with strict instructions not to squirt this on anyone, paint it on the walls, or pour it on the floor. Still and all, I'm basically handing a bunch of 8th graders a quart of sugar; God help us all.

 

I'm guessing these kids aren't the only ones running a haunt this weekend--or maybe some of you have cool Sweeney Todd costumes you need to *ahem* flesh out--and there might be more than a few of you out there trying to figure out how in the heck you're supposed to make this disgusting goo. To help out, I thought I'd post my recipe, such as it is, for washable fake blood.

 

32 oz. light Kayro syrup

1 pack of food coloring (red, yellow, green, blue)

Cocoa powder

Dishwashing liquid

 

Pour the Kayro syrup into a lidded tupperware container (I prefer a disposable gallon container for this, because you're going to need the room to stir, the leftovers are no fun to carry around, and it's a pain to clean).

 

Stir in red food coloring until syrup turns bright red. There's no set number of drops, so just keep going until you get a nice, bright, happy red. I also recommend using a butter knife to stir. I have a much easier time cutting through the syrup and scraping the sides with a knife than I do with a spoon. Of course, that's just personal preference. 

 

Sprinkle in cocoa powder, about a half teaspoon at a time. This is just to make the syrup opaque, and it adds a little color. STOP when the syrup is no longer completely transparent! You don't want to add a lot, or you'll end up with mud. Trust me on this. This is your base blood. 

 

Now you get to be artistic. Little by little, add in the other colors until you get the color you want. I wanted really fresh blood, so I added in a couple of drops of green (to cut the brightness), several drops of blue (arterial), and almost all of the remaining red. I ended up with a thick, full-bodied, purple-ish red. If you want a more orange color, skip the green and blue and add the yellow. It's really hard to completely screw this up, so just have fun. The worst you can do is end up with old, dried-looking blood, and even that's not terrible. It just looks like it's been sitting out a bit. Test the color on your finger as you go, and if it looks like you've cut yourself, you're good to go.

 

Okay. If you need edible blood, stop here. It's going to taste sickeningly sweet, but it won't poison you. However, if you don't plan on eating it, but would like to keep the blood from staining:

 

Add in several drops of dishwashing liquid. I'd say about a teaspoon, at least. If it's clear or slightly reddish (pink, purple), it won't really affect the color, and it will allow the blood to wash right out after you've finished scaring the daylights out of everybody. Again, trust me on this. I didn't think it would work, either, but it did. One item didn't get washed for, oh, about two years, or so (it was a costume! The blood was dry, so I just tossed it into the costume bin! I promise, I do laundry regularly!!), and every bit of blood still washed out. A-mazing.

 

Good luck, and happy haunting!